Robber and Dumber

“Right, you ready?”
With a lie I say “Steady!”

Sweating rivers
Tights squashing face
Anxious shivers
Confidence no trace

“On the count of three
you just follow me”

What did he just say?
Why is he counting?
This ridiculous day
This folly I am doubting

“Three!” there he goes
To what end who knows

Running, breathing
Eyes darting round
Chest harshly heaving
Can’t hear any sound

“Everyone be cool this is a robbery!”
Met with silence and abject snobbery

“Any of you motherfuckers move!”
The Pulp fiction reference did not improve

“Excuse me dear
Could you pass me the menu”
Bereft of fear
In this peculiar venue

“And now I think I’m ready to eat”
She said to the robber from her restaurant seat

Unsure how to act
I grabbed an old pad
I cant add or subtract
And my memory is bad

“I’ll have the Flimpy Burger and fries beside
Well done please, rare I just can’t abide

“Any drinks Miss?
We do a lovely Shake”
From behind me a hiss
I could not mistake

“Are you mentally ill or just fucking stupid?”
My partner bemused, and extensively livid

“Is that you Mark?
Are those my tights?”
His look turned dark
As reality bites

My associate’s grandmother sadly shook her head
“Your grandpa would slap you if he were not dead”

Now quickly with that food
I have a pain in my hip
I’m not in the mood
So don’t you expect a good tip