Thief and a Liar

My Keys! Inside!

I’m truly fucked

Entrance denied

Idiotic conduct


“Lost ya keys have ya matey?

Problems getting increasingly weighty?”


“As a matter of fact

I’m perfectly fine”

My impeccable tact

Refusing to whine


“I knows of a fella, whos good at this

breaking of locks is his life’s bliss”


“Good day to you sir

My situation is minor”

Would that it were

No cash for a diner!


“Suit ya self, cus it’ll rain later

Unless you’re friends with our blessed creator”


Right on cue

I was blasted with splatter

“That’s it I’m through!

Enough with this chatter!”


“So you’ll be wantin, the use of these?

Never have I seen such lovely clean keys”


“You thief you liar!

What trickery is this!

How did you acquire

With no sight of amiss?”


“They calls me Jeff, but I prefers Barry

But for some reason my mum calls me Larry”


“Well Jeff if you please

Those keys are mine

Very soon I will freeze”

You despicable swine!


“I thinks you’re a git and a terrible gent

Not a word you have said you’ve actually meant”


It is a mans right

To hold back his intentions

What a horrible sight

A world without its pretensions


“I can read the thoughts on your very face

If ya want ya keys back, be prepared for a chase”


As he quickly disappeared

The keys fell to the floor

Why had he interfered

They did not fit the door


Photo courtesy of Peter Alexanderson at Flickr

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Daily Jon Stewart

Your Daily Chats

Cause me to chuckle

These satirical facts

Make my fears buckle


When life becomes dodgy

I click on the box

You say Gingrich is podgy

Such comical knocks!


When squashing my love plums

Only last week

Your joke about bum slums

 Made my anger turn meek


I met you last year

When buying some cheese

My single sad tear

Caused you to freeze


“Jesus you loser

Stop being a pussy”

You cheese shop abuser

But boy what a tusshy!


Then you charged off

With your fancy blue Stilton

To meet with some toff

Then brunch at the Hilton


I’m not trying to say

That I love your buffs cheeks

I’m not even gay

It’s your comical squeaks

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Danger Puffing

“Oh my god!
What have you done?
You stupid sod
That’s my last one!”

Puffing away
I was in heaven
Smoking all day
From 7 to 11

“Buy your own
you inconsiderate shmuck”
Something was thrown!
No time left to duck

“What’s your deal?
Are you fucking crazy?”
I didn’t like to steal
I’m just down right lazy

But shit just got real
A gun at my head!
“That straight you did steal
Give it back else you’re dead!”

When mother caught me smoking
I told her to chill
I thought she was joking
When she said it could kill

Photo Courtesy of lanier67 on Flickr

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TV Taxman

As you burst through the door
You looked like a tit
I know what you came for
You fat hairy shit

But I’ve got no money
No intention to pay
I find it quite funny
You’ve wasted your day

What are you doing!
Get out off my property
If its money you’re pursuing
Can you not see my poverty!

“Your television and toaster are coming with me
Anything I can carry, do you disagree?”

“I have a duty to my sense of self
To protect the things that live on my shelf”

He was double my size with the look of a killer
Or a background extra on Michael Jackson’s Thriller

“I’ve killed a man
Just to watch him die”
Devoid of a plan
I began to cry

He seemed to panic
Searching for the door
Seeing him turn manic
I cried some more

“Stop crying you freak
Get out of my way!”
My tear-covered beak
Cut short his stay

The moral of the story, is very easy to see
Cry like a baby, and let your problems go free

Photo courtesy of por brylle at Arte & fotografia

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What if every arse had its own life

Its very own passport

Its own kids and a wife


What if they were funny

And thoughtful too

They earned their own money

And conversed on the loo


A best friend could be your very own behind

It would follow you round

It would be so easy to find


Whenever you’re sad you would hear the muffled sound

Of your bottom on the sofa bringing you round


Butt some asses are asses

Or so its been told

Either lads or lasses

Some buttocks are cold


Not all heines are happy to be

Disturbed by poo and so close to pee


So a resistance has started

You must beware

A thousands bums have farted

So treat you bottom with care


Photo courtesy of jam343 on Flickr

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The Chimes of Beer

Two men stood on the edge greatness
Ready to do battle with god
Two men stood with extreme sexiness
Ready to bum the fat sod

But low did they hear the chimes of beer
Ringing through the streets of London
The pull of booze rang through each ear
They longed for a spirit filled dungeon

Dropping their swords they ran to the pub
Forgetting Jesus and Mary
They sang and danced in a fearsome hub
Calling everyone they saw a turd fairy

They dribbled their way from pub to bar
Whilst achieving total inebriation
They travelled near and at some points far
Causing their inhibitions to go into hibernation

Preempting the suns rise from the hills
The two men looked up from their vomit
After 40 beers and a fuck load of pills
They cried at the view of a comet

“Oh the beauty of life! I reproach thee!
We sit here covered in chudder
Our pants filled to bursting with pee”
At that thought they both had a shudder

Wiping the tears they rose standing strong
The night’s debauchery reached its peak
Now both sporting a pink leather thong
“What do you say? Same time next week?”

Photo courtesy of Rupert Brun on Flickr

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